So I'm over it, I'm done, I'm not going to sit around anymore waiting for you to come around. I'm not going to allow you to have any effect on my life and the things I choose to do. I'm so over all the cheap talk. I'm over the fact that you will never change. That nothing will ever be good enough for you.
I'm okay with the fact that you'll put the blame on everyone else BUT yourself. That according to you, your life is already planned out therefore you really just don't give a shit about what you do. I'm fine with the fact that our son will someday learn the real you and make an opinion for himself.
I'm over trying to please you. I'm over making excuses for you. Trying to make you look good when everyone knows who you are and what you're about. I'm over trying to include you in my life and let you know what I do every minute.
Things won't change and I love you dearly and always will but now that I have someone WAY more important in my life to take care of and love with all my heart, you in my life just isn't important to me.
People come and go. I will find someone who will take care of Jace and I. I will find someone who will appreciate me and the little things I do for the ones I love. I will find someone who will return the favor for me. Who won't complain about every little thing. Who won't try to bring down the people around him because he isn't happy.
I will find happiness with someone else and as much as it saddens me to say this and to write this because we've had such a past and now we have a future for our son...I'm now going to accept the things I cannot change and finally allow myself to be happy and no longer be brought back.
I'm accepting it all
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I'm a MOMMY
Wow, haven't blogged in what seems like ages. A lot has changed over the past couple weeks.
I've FINALLY became a MOMMY!! My son Jace Duan Lesnau was born on February 22nd at 9:40am! He was 5lbs 5 oz and was 18 1/2 inches long. He's amazing. Being a mom is amazing! I couldn't have asked for such a perfect baby. He's everything to me and I would do ANYTHING for him.
It's so crazy how much love you can have for one person. How everything completely changes in a matter of a seconds after seeing him. I never thought my love would be so strong for him right away. I was nervous and scared and thought I wasn't going to be ready to be a mom and take on the responsibilites but it's been great, everything I could have asked for and more. I wouldn't do anything differently and he truly is the love of my life.
He never crys, rarely fusses, he basically eats, poops, and sleeps! He's such a happy baby and he makes me so happy. He makes me forget about the little things in my life that mean nothing to me anymore. He makes me realize that I have so much more with him and that I don't need certain things and people in my life anymore. It's always going to be me and him and I couldn't be happier.
I love being a mommy and I can't wait for him to grow and share all these experiences with me!
I love him so much!
I've FINALLY became a MOMMY!! My son Jace Duan Lesnau was born on February 22nd at 9:40am! He was 5lbs 5 oz and was 18 1/2 inches long. He's amazing. Being a mom is amazing! I couldn't have asked for such a perfect baby. He's everything to me and I would do ANYTHING for him.
It's so crazy how much love you can have for one person. How everything completely changes in a matter of a seconds after seeing him. I never thought my love would be so strong for him right away. I was nervous and scared and thought I wasn't going to be ready to be a mom and take on the responsibilites but it's been great, everything I could have asked for and more. I wouldn't do anything differently and he truly is the love of my life.
He never crys, rarely fusses, he basically eats, poops, and sleeps! He's such a happy baby and he makes me so happy. He makes me forget about the little things in my life that mean nothing to me anymore. He makes me realize that I have so much more with him and that I don't need certain things and people in my life anymore. It's always going to be me and him and I couldn't be happier.
I love being a mommy and I can't wait for him to grow and share all these experiences with me!
I love him so much!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
:(
I'm 36 weeks pregnant and miserable right now. I woke up this morning, my ankles swollen and throbbing, my stomach contracting, and well I'm still not over this cold. I've taken more days off within the last 9 months than I have in the 5 years I've worked at my job. I kind of feel bad because I feel like I'm always sick, but really it's just that I'll wake up and just not be in the mood to sit at a desk for 8 hours straight. I guess that's the joy of pregnancy. ha
Well I hope this past...hopefully today the doctors will call me and I can get the ultrasound!!
Well I hope this past...hopefully today the doctors will call me and I can get the ultrasound!!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Doctor's Appointment - 36 weeks
Well I had my 36 week check-up. I'm finally dilated...1 cm ha not much I know but hey I'll take it. Now the other news...Jace is still measuring small so I have to get an ultrasound this week to make sure everything is okay. I'm sure he's fine, he's just being stubborn like his dad! ;)
1 step forward...10 steps back
The story of my life...as soon as I feel like I'm getting somewhere, as soon as I feel like we are finally accomplishing something together, as soon as we get ahead something...SOMETHING always pulls us back. We take a couple steps forward and than BAM we are hit with yet another issue that takes us further back than where we were at in the first place.
This is where I find myself asking...when do I get a break. A break from all of this, a break from the lies, the cheating, the drama, the fighting? When is it finally going to be my turn to just have that life, that relationship that I've wanted all along?
I don't ask for much. Wait...let me rephrase that...I don't ask YOU for much. Matter-of-fact I don't ask you for anything yet you take and take and take from me all the time. It's so exhausting. Yes, I will admit to it, I can be a pushover, I can give in too easily and it's hard for me to say no to you, but is that completely my fault? I feel like you take advantage of my love, my generosity, my willing to do just about anything for you. As soon as I get myself away, pull myself back from the situation and finally realize what's happening you SUCK, PULL, GRAB me back in. Why? Why do you do that to me? Why do I allow you to do that to me? Is it my fault for wanting to give the person I love everything and anything?
I'm finally looking at the bigger picture and I don't like you in it. My feelings for you are slowly fading away and I can't help that anymore. I'm no longer begging and pleading with you to take me back, to let me love you again because I am no longer allowing YOU to walk all over me. To take advantage of my love, of who I am. I have put so much into this relationship, some say a little too much and you have done nothing to try and make this work. It's baby steps, it's the little gestures, the little things that matter to me the most and yet you can't give me any of that. I need more from you and yet you're still stuck where you're at, where you've always been and where you'll probably stay.
You're not going to be happy, but not everything is about you. When can I be happy? When will you make me happy?
I sitting here saying to you that I'm no longer allowing myself to take steps back. I have too much to look forward to that the lesser things in life, the things that don't mean shit to me are no longer going to hold me down and pull me back.
I'm not allowing myself to take ANYMORE STEPS BACK!
This is where I find myself asking...when do I get a break. A break from all of this, a break from the lies, the cheating, the drama, the fighting? When is it finally going to be my turn to just have that life, that relationship that I've wanted all along?
I don't ask for much. Wait...let me rephrase that...I don't ask YOU for much. Matter-of-fact I don't ask you for anything yet you take and take and take from me all the time. It's so exhausting. Yes, I will admit to it, I can be a pushover, I can give in too easily and it's hard for me to say no to you, but is that completely my fault? I feel like you take advantage of my love, my generosity, my willing to do just about anything for you. As soon as I get myself away, pull myself back from the situation and finally realize what's happening you SUCK, PULL, GRAB me back in. Why? Why do you do that to me? Why do I allow you to do that to me? Is it my fault for wanting to give the person I love everything and anything?
I'm finally looking at the bigger picture and I don't like you in it. My feelings for you are slowly fading away and I can't help that anymore. I'm no longer begging and pleading with you to take me back, to let me love you again because I am no longer allowing YOU to walk all over me. To take advantage of my love, of who I am. I have put so much into this relationship, some say a little too much and you have done nothing to try and make this work. It's baby steps, it's the little gestures, the little things that matter to me the most and yet you can't give me any of that. I need more from you and yet you're still stuck where you're at, where you've always been and where you'll probably stay.
You're not going to be happy, but not everything is about you. When can I be happy? When will you make me happy?
I sitting here saying to you that I'm no longer allowing myself to take steps back. I have too much to look forward to that the lesser things in life, the things that don't mean shit to me are no longer going to hold me down and pull me back.
I'm not allowing myself to take ANYMORE STEPS BACK!
Monday, February 16, 2009
What's the world coming too...
When a phone charger is $31.00!!! That's like a full tank of gas. Never again will I try to vacuum around my phone charger! I refuse to pay that amount again for another one!
OMG I'm so livid!!!!
OMG I'm so livid!!!!
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